One keeps emerging.

… in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

In reading quotes about grief, I notice that many of the ones that ring true are from Lewis’s book about his wife’s death. I downloaded it to my Kindle so I will start reading the whole thing tonight.

Many things keep me from writing about my own grief, but the biggest hindrance may be the strangeness of it. Every day I am startled and disturbed by a new discovery — of an ache or a gaping hole or a missing component of myself. I am helpless against the ambush of thoughts and emotions whether it comes just as it did yesterday, or by a fresh route.

That all sounds like grief is something outside of me, but of course it’s what is going on in my heart; it is Me. This Me is a woman I don’t really know; she is mystifying and unpredictable. I don’t know what else to write about her, but I pray for her.

15 thoughts on “One keeps emerging.

  1. I pray for her too. In this strangeness, your friends and family are less comfort since we cannot know your experience or “what you are going through”, but we know that your heavenly Comforter is sufficient. But I wish I could give you more hugs. ❤

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  2. Yes, it would be like that; when one is married and ‘one flesh’ the loss is immense. Lewis’ book is excellent, the best. A second or third best maybe, in time, may be _A Grace Disguised_ by Jerry Sittser. We still are praying for you too – and your beloved departed husband. Lots of love to you and a HUG.

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  3. I would also say, a very brave woman. Can I say this? but I find I am comfortable with your grief. I have friends who have walked this path and their grief, has shocked me, has made me very afraid. Your grief, has been what I am acquainted with, one who carries on in spite of the hole in your heart or the breaking of your bones and the as bone of your flesh was torn. I have read C.S. Lewis over and over, and this helped me so much. There was something in his words that helped in ways I didn’t understand. You are so wise. I am so thankful for your friendship with God, as you share yourself with us.
    Thank you,

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  4. We will all pray for Her.

    A series of phases, in my experience, is an apt description.

    It took me more than 6mos. to start writing about the “separation anxiety”. It helps now but I don’t think I could have done it earlier.

    Grief groups suggest a journal. I believe you said you bought a new one after your Mr. exited. It will be there ready when you are.

    You are loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You have described her feelings of grief so eloquently. It is an acquaintance that no one wants to make and yet cannot avoid. Praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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