Father Stephen Freeman by his writing has been helping us for a long time, to understand how shame motivates our behavior, both good and bad. There is both healthy shame, which we are “hardwired” with, and toxic shame, which often has unhealthy ramifications down through the generations.

One particular article, “Shame and the Modern Identity,” I’ve wanted to share a link to for some time. In it Fr. Stephen explains how it happens that we start with a necessary form of shame and end up with the painful and crippling emotion of shame.

“We could say that toxic shame, or damaging shame, is the abuse of something that is essential and necessary. That is a useful understanding, and points to just how tricky the acquisition and formation of identity is. It is a razor’s edge and pretty much no one survives the years of its acquisition without a legacy of unwanted shame. The years following that acquisition can often be occupied with the patient work of cleaning up the unwanted bits that shadow our existence. Adults gradually gain a sense of their identity, but very few feel entirely secure about it. ‘Who am I’ can be a haunting question, for example, for someone going through a divorce or a loss of employment. When the props that we have gathered in the establishment of an identity are removed, it’s easy to fall apart.”

If you read the article linked above and still want more, you are in luck. Just last spring Fr. Stephen’s book came out: Face to Face: Knowing God beyond Our Shame. It is good to have much of his wisdom on the subject gathered in one place. Even those of us who aren’t plagued with these emotions ourselves likely know someone who is, and could possibly benefit from more understanding for their sake.