To pull the metal splinter from my palm my father recited a story in a low voice. I watched his lovely face and not the blade. Before the story ended, he’d removed the iron sliver I thought I’d die from.
I can’t remember the tale, but hear his voice still, a well of dark water, a prayer. And I recall his hands, two measures of tenderness he laid against my face, the flames of discipline he raised above my head.
Had you entered that afternoon you would have thought you saw a man planting something in a boy’s palm, a silver tear, a tiny flame. Had you followed that boy you would have arrived here, where I bend over my wife’s right hand.
Look how I shave her thumbnail down so carefully she feels no pain. Watch as I lift the splinter out. I was seven when my father took my hand like this, and I did not hold that shard between my fingers and think, Metal that will bury me, christen it Little Assassin, Ore Going Deep for My Heart. And I did not lift up my wound and cry, Death visited here! I did what a child does when he’s given something to keep. I kissed my father.
I was not alone on my trip home, and I know you understand what I mean. I’m referring to the fact that because God is present, we are never alone, even when we might lack for human connection. I’m not referring to any companionship with the hundreds of other passengers surrounding me on the planes or in the airports; it was absent, though in the past I’ve had more occasion to experience it, even when going by myself. Traveling with another person who acknowledges your existence makes a huge difference, as I was reminded when Pippin and I were together on our way to Greece last month.
In my experiences of air travel in the last ten years, I find that people are generally not as friendly as they used to be, which I well understand. It’s an unnatural situation to be so close physically to so many other humans who are total strangers, and it’s hard to figure out how to maintain one’s emotional space, or to give the other person privacy of some sort, when there is pretty much zero physical space between you and the one in the next seat. I try at least to say hello or give a nod and a smile when we take our places, but fewer people than in the past are willing to make eye contact or even look my way.
Snack on Aegean Airlines
The whole situation leads us to go into survival mode, whatever that means for the individual. For most, it seems to mean watching as many movies as will fit into an 11-hour flight, escaping into those stories. I only watch a few minutes at a time of whatever I can see of others’ screens across the aisle or next to me, and seeing everything as a silent movie with no captions makes most of the stories appear ridiculous or inane.
In survival mode, I know I personally like being fed, which my child-self knows is essential to survival, though for my adult self it might actually be more helpful to keep a water-only fast. My child self wants comfort food, and was glad for the beef stew, lasagna and calzone. Even pretzels on a shorter flight are sustaining to the soul.
On my last long day of being in multiple airports and planes, for the first time ever when traveling, I realized I was feeling lonely, and was nearly brought to tears. But in getting to and from those airports, I also was blessed by two Uber drivers (one Greek, one Afghani) who were very companionable humans, with whom I was able to have positive and real, nourishing conversations, and my trip ended on that warm note.
I hadn’t thought to write about these things until I read the poem below (which is almost a prose poem, no matter), and it reminded me of the many times during my lifetime that I have been rescued in various ways on my travels. I don’t remember if I have been in a position to rescue any other travelers, though I do remember looking at a lot of pictures of his children that a man once showed me. I would say the same as Naomi: This is the world I want to live in.
GATE A-4
Wandering around the Albuquerque Airport Terminal, after learning my flight had been delayed four hours, I heard an announcement: “If anyone in the vicinity of Gate A-4 understands any Arabic, please come to the gate immediately.”
Well — one pauses these days. Gate A-4 was my own gate. I went there.
An older woman in full traditional Palestinian embroidered dress, just like my grandma wore, was crumpled to the floor, wailing. “Help,” said the flight agent. “Talk to her. What is her problem? We told her the flight was going to be late and she did this.”
I stooped to put my arm around the woman and spoke haltingly. “Shu-dow-a, Shu-bid-uck Habibti? Stani schway, Min fadlick, Shu-bit-se-wee?” The minute she heard any words she knew, however poorly used, she stopped crying. She thought the flight had been cancelled entirely. She needed to be in El Paso for major medical treatment the next day. I said, “No, we’re fine, you’ll get there, just later, who is picking you up? Let’s call him.”
We called her son, I spoke with him in English. I told him I would stay with his mother till we got on the plane and ride next to her. She talked to him. Then we called her other sons just for the fun of it. Then we called my dad and he and she spoke for a while in Arabic and found out of course they had ten shared friends. Then I thought just for the heck of it why not call some Palestinian poets I know and let them chat with her? This all took up two hours.
She was laughing a lot by then. Telling of her life, patting my knee, answering questions. She had pulled a sack of homemade mamool cookies — little powdered sugar crumbly mounds stuffed with dates and nuts — from her bag — and was offering them to all the women at the gate. To my amazement, not a single woman declined one. It was like a sacrament. The traveler from Argentina, the mom from California, the lovely woman from Laredo — we were all covered with the same powdered sugar. And smiling. There is no better cookie.
And then the airline broke out free apple juice from huge coolers and two little girls from our flight ran around serving it and they were covered with powdered sugar, too. And I noticed my new best friend — by now we were holding hands — had a potted plant poking out of her bag, some medicinal thing, with green furry leaves. Such an old country tradition. Always carry a plant. Always stay rooted to somewhere.
And I looked around that gate of late and weary ones and I thought, This is the world I want to live in. The shared world. Not a single person in that gate — once the crying of confusion stopped — seemed apprehensive about any other person. They took the cookies. I wanted to hug all those other women, too.
This can still happen anywhere. Not everything is lost.
The last stanza of this poem brings to mind the advice to “Die before you die.” It has been attributed to Rumi and to C.S. Lewis, and I’ve heard Orthodox Christians echo the saying. St. Paul said, “I die daily,” and also, “I am crucified with Christ.” Whatever all these people meant, our final death we are definitely instructed to keep in mind, and as the poet says, “learn” something about it — though it’s not clear that he was numbering his days in the Christian fashion.
But it was the second stanza that caught my attention here, Larkin’s description of the disorienting effect of considering time and ageing. The images capture what I often feel.
I HAVE STARTED TO SAY
I have started to say “A quarter of a century” Or “thirty years back” About my own life.
It makes me breathless It’s like falling and recovering In huge gesturing loops Through an empty sky.
All that’s left to happen Is some deaths (my own included). Their order, and their manner, Remain to be learnt.
Gladsome Lights 