Tag Archives: life

The shape of what you lived.

REMEMBERING

And you wait. You wait for the one thing
that will change your life,
make it more than it is—
something wonderful, exceptional,
stones awakening, depths opening to you.

In the dusky bookstalls
old books glimmer gold and brown.
You think of lands you journeyed through,
of paintings and a dress once worn
by a woman you never found again.

And suddenly you know: that was enough.
You rise and there appears before you
in all its longings and hesitations
the shape of what you lived.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Rilke, by Leonid Pasternak 1928

Through the woods, to the sea.

While I was up north with his family for a long weekend, my grandson Scout and I had a very poetry-heavy day. First, he needed to memorize Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” for school, and we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood, during which time we would work on that together. We had only covered two miles, but by the time we got back to the house, he could recite the four stanzas almost perfectly. We had taken quite a bit of our walk to discuss many aspects of the poem’s form and meaning, too, so it seemed like an intensive poetry workshop, the likes of which I’d never participated in before.

Later on, I was made aware of another poetry assignment he needed to complete before the next morning (unlike the first one, which wasn’t due for several days). While his mom was cooking dinner, he and I went into his bedroom so I could help him with that, too, but in a different way — though both projects involved me doing the reading, and for the second one, some scribing, because Scout was dealing with headaches while waiting for new glasses to arrive.

Probably some of you are familiar with the “I Am From” poem by George Ella Lyon, and the way many school children have been encouraged to write their own version after hers, which goes like this:

WHERE I’M FROM

I am from clothespins,
from Clorox and carbon-tetrachloride.
I am from the dirt under the back porch.
(Black, glistening,
it tasted like beets.)
I am from the forsythia bush
the Dutch elm
whose long-gone limbs I remember
as if they were my own.

I’m from fudge and eyeglasses,
          from Imogene and Alafair.
I’m from the know-it-alls
          and the pass-it-ons,
from Perk up! and Pipe down!
I’m from He restoreth my soul
          with a cottonball lamb
          and ten verses I can say myself.

I’m from Artemus and Billie’s Branch,
fried corn and strong coffee.
From the finger my grandfather lost
          to the auger,
the eye my father shut to keep his sight.

Under my bed was a dress box
spilling old pictures,
a sift of lost faces
to drift beneath my dreams.
I am from those moments–
snapped before I budded —
leaf-fall from the family tree.

-George Ella Lyon

Scout had the template which you can see below, to help him arrange his own bits of family history and culture and memories, following the pattern of the original.

I Am From Poem

It was so much fun to work on this together. He had brilliant ideas as to how to capture a few big things that are important to him about the life he has been given, and he understood the need to choose concrete and specific words in order to express concepts and feelings with economy. I kept reading the lines back to him so he could hear how it all sounded together, because you don’t want even a free verse poem to sound clunky.

I was sitting in his desk chair, and Scout was on his bed, surrounded by several of the numerous handmade blankets he has been given from birth onward; it seemed that most of the church friends who welcomed him were quilters, who also gave quilts to his siblings when they arrived; all the children made good use of every one, in their often chilly mountain home in the shade of the forest. I said something to him about including blankets in his poem, at which point he pulled one quilt off the rail of his bunk and commented that it was his very favorite: the quilt that I had made for him!

Some of you will remember when I was working on that. Scout is my ninth grandchild out of eighteen so far, pretty much in the middle of the bunch. For some reason, probably many reasons, he is the only one for whom I’ve made a quilt. And his personal “Where I’m From” poem contains several lines about his growing up in a particular “house in the woods” with “cats on everything,” but the very first line is, “I’m from the quilt my grandmother made….” I found an illustration for that, at right.

All of this stimulating writing work prompted me to share at the table that evening the only poem I have written that I kept. In high school I composed some verses that I lost, or threw away, and it wasn’t until much later in life that I felt obliged to try again, as I explained in this blog post:

Ten or so years ago [that computes to well over 20 years now] our home school was engaging in a poetry study, more focused and meaty than the usual informal enjoyment and memorization. I gave an assignment to the children to write their own “poem of direct address,” and in the spirit of Education is Lifelong and Something You Do to Yourself, I wrote one, too.

Last night my husband and I went to a Music and Poetry Night, and I read my poem, along with others not my own, which were more serious and poetic. I will share those later. But for now, here is my

Ode to a Rice Cake

I can’t resist you, rice cake,
Your crunch and subtle flavor.
I cannot see you in your bag
And say “I’ll eat one later.”

My hands reach out compulsively
And stuff you right on in.
My teeth sink into your crispness;
The crumbs drift down my chin.

Others mock and call you sparse,
They say you’re lean and thin.
I alone will sing your praise
For the feast that you have been.

Fluffy, tasty pockets of air,
Plain yet savory food.
You’re a technological wonder:
Complex, simple, and good.

I still feel the same way about these snacks, which is why I don’t normally keep any in the house. Besides, they make an awful mess, and the cat doesn’t care to eat the crumbles off the floor.

My grandchildren did not appreciate my poem, and sat with blank faces. Because as it turns out, they are deprived, and did not know what a rice cake is! But Pippin likes it, and told me to post it again. She’s a dear daughter.

Scout’s, Lyon’s and Frost’s poems are all connected in my mind now, in their consideration of us as individuals making unique choices, but at the same time rooted in our family relationships and culture; we are happy if we can find as much to be thankful for as Scout did, in those connections. Another image of our common humanity was in the last line of Scout’s own poem, and it makes me think a lot. It’s sort of the opposite of Frost’s “Two roads diverged.” Scout wrote about streams flowing together and traveling to the sea. I’m pretty sure that’s the theme for our next poem.

Prayers rise like incense from funerals.

Last week, I returned from Washington and my grandson’s wedding. On that travel day, before I left my Airbnb for the airport, I learned that a beloved sister in Christ, C., only 40 years old, had passed from this life after many years of suffering. It was arranged via texts while I was going through security at Sea-Tac that a friend of hers named Tia, who was coming from New York for the funeral, would stay at my house.

I’d left my place fairly disorderly, but as soon as I got in the house I changed the sheets on the guest bed, and made sure that a table was cleared, where we might sit to eat. I remembered to restore the setting on the water heater to normal. A brief glance out at the garden gave me hope that it could wait to be tended to. Soon came bedtime and I was very glad.

Tia and I met for the first time at the funeral the next morning. It was a typically lengthy Orthodox funeral, but it didn’t feel long, maybe because all the many and repetitive prayers seemed necessary to satisfy our hearts, and to proclaim the conquering light of the Resurrection in the face of death. Friends from three different parishes met that morning to pray at C.’s funeral, and it was comforting to be with so many people with whom we shared a love for this dear woman. If more time had been given, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see some of them pulling up chairs near the casket, just to sit a while with her sweet spirit. But that’s not the tradition. Instead, we will pray especially for her for 40 days, and be with her that way…

“For Thou art the Resurrection, the Life, and the Repose of Thy servants who have fallen asleep, O Christ our God, and unto Thee we ascribe glory, together with Thy Father, who is from everlasting, and Thine all-holy, good, and life-creating Spirit, now and ever unto ages of ages. Amen.” -From the Prayer for the Departed

The evening of her funeral happened to be the beginning of our celebration of the Feast of the Cross. Tia and I attended the Vigil for the feast, after a busy afternoon visiting with church friends. She was suffering jet lag, and I a more general travel fatigue, but we lasted till the end of the beautiful service. I still hadn’t been out to water the garden when we came home and crashed; I finally got to that after she departed the next morning.

The repose of such a young wife and mother, who had been a bright light in the world, was hard to feel easy about, even though we were glad that her suffering was ended. Not a month before, we’d said good-bye to a man in his 80’s who also had been ill for a while, and who no doubt is happy to have finished his race; but he had found the Church and a wife late in life, and it wasn’t comfortable in his case, either, for her or for any of us to let go of him. Is any human death insignificant, that we who are left behind can be left unchanged?

The day after the feast, another death in the parish. Lord, have mercy! Stephen’s passing has affected me the most, I think, of any since I became a part of this parish, because the total time the two of us were worshiping together in church far exceeds that of anyone else who has died. I heard early in the morning that he had died, and the whole day my mind and heart were so full of him, I could not attend to anything else. He was a good example of a living icon of Christ, always ready, “instant in season and out of season,” (II Timothy) to sing, to pray, to help anyone in need. And he loved my late husband, which means a lot. “He had love in his veins,” our rector said.

Last night the church was filled, for the singing of the first panikhida service for this brother. The gathering in God’s temple of our communal love, grief and Blessed Hope was a powerful experience for me, in a way I hadn’t known in the hundred other panikhidas I’ve sung in the past.

I realized that I was joining my heart – and my tears – with my late husband too, by my prayers, and with every soul whom God loves, no matter which side of death they are on. It made me oh so thankful for the Church and her traditions that impart these vital realities to us. Metropolitan Anthony Bloom expresses it very well:

“The life of each one of us does not end at death on this earth and birth into heaven. We place a seal on everyone we meet. This responsibility continues after death, and the living are related to the dead for whom they pray. In the dead we no longer belong completely to the world; in us the dead still belong to history. Prayer for the dead is vital; it expresses the totality of our common life.”

My grief is being changed into joy.

They sound like barren platitudes.

Just now I was reminded that this is the day, 59 years ago, that C.S. Lewis died, and I want to share a quote from him to mark the anniversary. At least two other famous people died that day, Aldous Huxley and John F. Kennedy, but I don’t find those men nearly as wise or quotable. So here is one of the first quotes that I ever shared on my site, from one of my favorite authors . What he says is also something I think about more all the time, as I myself see more clearly some of those fundamental realities of the sort I think he is talking about — and wish I could articulate them to the younger generations!

“The process of living seems to consist in coming to realize truths so ancient and simple that, if stated, they sound like barren platitudes. They cannot sound otherwise to those who have not had the relevant experience: that is why there is no real teaching of such truths possible and every generation starts from scratch.”

-C.S. Lewis